I have been split into two different Ashley’s “The Victim” and “The Survivor.” I feel fragmented a person with two different identities that oppose yet support each other. “The Victim” has trouble getting across her feelings and emotions. She’s isolated and hard to coax out of her newly thickened shell. She shuts down easily she scares easily. She’s free of rationality and logic and full of paranoia almost feral and animal-like. The constant thought of what if sits cautiously at the back of her mind waiting to be validated. She worries about the next girl his next “victim.” She has nightmares, flashbacks she sees and hears him everywhere. “The Survivor” identity however, is quite different. She knows that its essential in the aftermath to speak up and to voice her emotions as to not be taken advantage of again. She has cracked the thick shell she once resided in and she doesn’t scare as easily. She keeps the victim rational and grounds her with logic. She has a heightened sense of awareness rather than a surge of paranoia. Instead of worrying about what if shes prepared and she knows she can handle anything that comes her way. Instead of worrying about his future actions she pitys him because she knows hes weak and cowardly. And between them she truly came out on top.

It took me awhile to get a feel for how I wanted to present my feelings on today the two year mark of my “recovery” from the darkest moment of my life ..thus far

I’ve written a couple different things but none of them seemed right however theres no way to sugarcoat what happened or make it sound…”beautiful” I still have this feeling that its not something I can openly talk about because people assume Im just doing it for attention. But today I can’t help but think back to that day most of the time it doesnt even seem real I’ve repressed so much of it but today it becomes real again and it stays real for awhile it happened during the holiday season so that comes with a LOT of triggers. And honestly whether Im “allowed” by the “code” of society to talk about it or not talking about it makes ME feel better and thats what matters. The idea of stuffing my fears and worries deep down inside myself isn’t comfortable its taxing. So every year on this day I address it directly because it starts to creep back into the forefront of my thoughts. So thank you followers (who are reading this) thanks for allowing this forum to be a sanctuary for me because its not always as easy to do in real life (or even facebook) and thank you to all the people who decided to text me today to check in on me it means more than you know

Today Im going to do something special just for me because I’ve been fighting through these two years successfully and I think I deserve it. And I can feel more and more each day “The Survivor” identity is getting stronger and “The Victim is fading away.

It so weird to go back and read these posts of  me reflecting on todays date. I’ve grown so much ..this one however is probably my favorite thing that I have written about it …I was right, every year I do get stronger and my life is in such a great and amazing place now…. I have a great job, friends ….a boyfriend who I feel SAFE with for the first time in FIVE YEARS ….I cant even tell you what a big deal that is for me in “victim” side of me ..had almost faded away …Im strong and I have survived so much  Im proud of myself …

Every year on this day I do something nice for myself …I wonder what it will be this year?

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Posted on October 05, 2013

Find the balance between someone you can have amazing passionate sexay tiem with who is totally uninhibited and open…and someone who can be loyal and committed and value you and treat you like youre the moon and stars.. I guess thats asking a lot

I feel like Im not really capable for loving someone romantically anymore …I just dont feel ANYTHING for anyone ..sure you can cuddle with me but Im not feeling anything except lascivious

at this point ..Id rather have the first part because it honest there are no games or lies we just sleep together and go our ways until we feel like it again …

I just feel …nothing …I feel like a Superhero no one can hurt me now

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Posted on June 28, 2013

After a year and a half together …. I want to write about it to just get it out of my system …

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Posted on June 11, 2013

Tomorrow is my Birthday …I dont know how to feel about that

Tomorrow is my Birthday …I dont know how to feel about that

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Posted on June 04, 2013

My Birthday is June 5th so I made an Amazon Wish List Mostly for my Friends and Family!

My Birthday is June 5th so I made an Amazon Wish List Mostly for my Friends and Family!

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Posted on May 29, 2013

My Burlesque Troupe recreated The Last Supper for our May 11th Flyer the Show is Goddess Themed …COME SEE US TAKE OUR CLOTHES OFF!

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Posted on May 01, 2013

Dita Von Teese performing at Strip Strip Hooray that’s ME in red in front with my friends click for the article about the backstage magic!! Photo by Kaylin Idora http://www.coolhunting.com/design/behind-the-scenes-strip-strip-hooray.php

Dita Von Teese performing at Strip Strip Hooray that’s ME in red in front with my friends click for the article about the backstage magic!! Photo by Kaylin Idora http://www.coolhunting.com/design/behind-the-scenes-strip-strip-hooray.php

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Posted on April 24, 2013

That one time I got bored and poorly reenacted a Lady Gaga photo…

That one time I got bored and poorly reenacted a Lady Gaga photo…

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Posted on April 23, 2013

Check out this photo Photographer Jason Kamimura took of me at Viva Las Vegas Rockabilly Weekend Poolside ♥

Check out this photo Photographer Jason Kamimura took of me at Viva Las Vegas Rockabilly Weekend Poolside ♥

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Posted on April 23, 2013

I don’t know what that says about me but ..it was a pretty fucking interesting dream…

I don’t know what that says about me but ..it was a pretty fucking interesting dream…

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Posted on April 23, 2013

SIGNAL BOOST

My beautiful Burlesque Gal Pal Rara Sis Bomba got into a TERRIBLE bike accident this week she broke her jaw in two places, bruised her eye, scratched up her chest and face and the worst part she broke out most of her front teeth! Rara has medical insurance but NOT DENTAL and we are trying to raise money to pay for her medical bills! She’s one of the most creative and hilarious performers I know and she’s always smiling well we need to help get that smile back so please even if its a dollar consider donating! LETS HELP RARA GET HER SMILE BACK!! Here is the link to here IndieGoGo Fundraiser PLEASE REBLOG THIS WE NEED AS MANY DONATIONS AS POSSIBLE!

http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/get-rara-smiling-again

RaRa aka Rachel Carlson, is a beautiful spirit. She’s a clown, an aerialist, a dancer, a member of the LA bike community, a costume designer and an amazing friend. 

Last week, RaRa’s bike tire hit a grate. She flew over the handlebars like a true aerialist, but unfortunately landed on her face. We’re very lucky to still have RaRa with us, but sadly, she suffered numerous injuries to her face and jaw. Though health insurance will cover some of her medical costs, RaRa does not have dental insurance and has lost most of her front teeth. That means she will have to pay for her dental work out-of-pocket.

If you’ve ever seen RaRa smile, then you know how important this campaign is. Rachel’s smile could light up the darkest room. It’s a gift she gives to all of us almost every day, whether she’s dancing on stage, twirling in mid-air, occupying city hall, creating some fantastic costumes, hosting the best parties in LA, or biking fearlessly across the city. 

We want RaRa to focus on getting better, intstead of worrying about the cost of surgery. Any amount we raise will help her pay her dental bills. Please contribute whatever you can so we can get RaRa smiling again!


http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/get-rara-smiling-again

Source: indiegogo.com | 231 Comments | Add a Comment?
Posted on April 08, 2013

About a Month’s Progress of Ab Workouts <3

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Posted on March 19, 2013

Ashleeta in Taboo Night with The Brazen Booties

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Posted on March 16, 2013
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